Rules on Running a Starship

This list is compiled from the TML. The main idea was that a list of more or lest humorous and sometimes cryptic rules would be found by the players if they acquire an old used ship.

Contributors:

Douglas "Penguin Boy" Berry, domhanai@juno.com, Roger 'Starwolf' Malmstein, Chris Keelan, Ewan Quibell, Mark F. Cook, John Groth, Keith Grant, Craig Berry, alan spik, Brian Songy, Leonard Erickson, Glenn M. Goffin, Stephen Tempest

The Rules:

The bank *will* find you.

Everybody has an angle.

That funny noise in Engineering? No, it can't wait.

Four Vargr mercenaries beat four kings.

Never trust a smiling cargo agent.

Corollary: if the custom agent smiles, worry.

Hivers have no sense of humor.

Neither do Aslan.

And if the Aslan smiles.... Run

Corollary: if, despite this, a large male Aslan attempts to tell a joke anyway, it's a *really* good idea to laugh.

And Droyne are AWFUL stewards . . . when the passengers get irate, they're NEVER there.

Unfortunately, a high passenger CAN bump even a VERY attractive middle passenger.

Never store beer in the low berth - it freezes, busts and makes a TERRIBLE mess.

It's difficult to make an alcohol still which looks ANYTHING like a laser cannon.

Don't shake hands with an angry Aslan

Never deal in person with Zho merchants, use phone/communicator

Budget for ammo first!

You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too much ortillery support

I favor the orbital meson platform as a room-clearing device.

Having 'Just' enough fuel for the Jump is a false economy

Just because it's listed on the manifest doesn't mean it's actually in the hold.

Repair life support *FIRST*.

"Standard" replacement parts acquired on Hollis are *NOT* interchangeable with "Standard" replacement parts purchased on Uri.

Low berth #3 smells like beer for a reason.

Practice finding items in sickbay in the dark.

Anti-hijack gas works on *YOU* as well.

The best way to get the captains attention is to do something stupid.

"Fresher." Boy, is *THAT* an oxymoron.

Never do a ships compartment "shotgun" search with a fellow crewmate whose nickname is "Boomer."

Lost electric toys in crawlspaces are lost

An addition scribbled in a few weeks later:
Small electric toys ar to be carried in a locked suitcase or box in the cargo hold.

Don't smile with an open mouth to a Vargr/Aslan unless you mean serious business

OSFA vacc-suits isn't

Don't compare rescueballs with beachballs when giving the security briefing for passengers.

The viewport may be bullet proof, but it isn't laser proof.

Regardless of cargo container markings, treat any shipment listed on the manifest as "FS: DFG" as HAZMAT.

Remember, you are a merchant. Whatever you may think, your ship is not -
nor should it be used as - any of the following: an air/raft, a grav tank,
a getaway vehicle, a bumper car, an artillery piece, fish bait, a still, a
patrol cruiser, a hot tub, or a shooting range.

Just because shes smiling doesn't mean shes friendly.

Speed isn't always your friend.

Have a good engineer.

A good engineer is worth a better steward.

Don't piss off the steward.

Ship's weaponry is always worth the expense.

Always begin 'negotiations' with full jump tanks.

Hazardous cargo is almost always more hazardous than they are telling you.

Know your passengers.

Treat the starport bar tender well -- you may need a favor someday.

It's not the weapon in the ship's locker, but the one on your hip/shoulder that wins the fight.

(and this corollary to the previous rule)
It's when you don't expect to have a fight, and therefore are not prepared, that most fights happen.

"Perfectly safe" is a code word meaning "Run!"

Just because your ancestors on Terra were able to domesticate small
and mid-sized predators for companions and assistants doesn't mean
that you'll be able to domesticate the predators on _this_ planet.

The very fine-looking Vilani girl who keeps checking you out from
the other side of the bar will certainly roll you and leave you
unconscious and broke in the alley -- and, yes, she is old enough to
be your mother.

That scheme with the Hivers. Sure it was all your idea?